Willow
The clock struck 8:00 as I put my daughter Willow to sleep. Silence... nothing but it, it swept across the house like the darkness when you turn off a light.
"Time to rest now" I said to myself looking at my 2000 calendar.
7:45...
Hearing her cry is a nightly routine as a mom. Half asleep down to the end of the hall, opening the door to Willow's room. Though when the red, hot flames practically stroked her crib my face was nothing but terrified. Pulling her out of the crib, the flames ate up the room. I could already see the winged fireman waiting for us. With no other choice I gave Willow to the fireman. I'm glad I could save her, but I wasn't so lucky.
I really liked your story, it is very interesting. I feel bad for the mom. you spelled "already" "alreafdy", you can fix that but your story was really good.
ReplyDeleteI love your story! Also, you might want to see if you could add stronger words to the beginning of your sentences, because most of them start with "I's."
ReplyDeleteI love how you used the details and put them in the story. You have a spelling mistake, and you have a lot of I's.
ReplyDeleteReally good story really descriptive and I really like the ending
ReplyDeleteReally good gift of words. They really burn a image in my mind. "No pun intended." But I don't understand why you needed the time there.
ReplyDeleteGreat job. It did leave an uncomfortable feeling knowing the mom didn't make it. YOu did a great job conveying this emotion. I also wonder if waking up is a night time routine if you even need the time 7:45. You are implying it is night but then 7:45 would be morning perhaps? Keep working on your writing as this is your best story of all the challenges to date.
ReplyDeleteLove the figurative language however you have used nouns twice which you can replace with pronouns
ReplyDeletePlease com check out our work: http://6d2015.laytonblogs.net