"I can't take it anymore!"
My ear infection was increasing by the second. I had just pulled up to the nearest clinic. As I stumbled into the room, I took one look around and said, "I've got a bad feeling about this."
Though as I joined the queue things were going to get a lot worse. I plumed down in my chair and glanced over at the "Now Serving" sign, and what number was on it, 4, what number was on my ticket 40. At the end of the day they only had one doctor.
"Well how efficient!" I yelled to myself in my head.
I really good story,
ReplyDeleteThe part that says " what number was on my ticket {you need a comma} 40.
Other than that its a good WC.
In the second paragraph, where it says "what number was on my ticket..." I think you could say "the number on my ticket was..." Also, in the first paragraph, you say "I got a bad feeling about this" you need a period at the end and you might want to put "I've" instead of just "I"
ReplyDeleteI think at some points you are confusing past and present tense. I think you might want to reword some of your sentences to make the story flow.
Other than that, great story!
Your story is GREAT! I think it's really cool, and how you used powerful words. GREAT JOB!
ReplyDeleteAwesome vocabulary. By the way pluming means spreading in the shape of a feather so work on that.
ReplyDeleteI like the vocabulary and the action words sound great. When you are saying
ReplyDeleteNow Serving" sign, and what number was on it, 4, what number was on my ticket 40. I think you can say the sentence more creative or better.
The part where u say what was on my ticket I think u could say and my ticket was 40
ReplyDelete